Random Crap

Note: This is a drunken rant infomercial.

Do you know where dogs come from? They’re decendant from wolves. Do you know what wolves do? They eat the faces of anything they can overpower as a pack when they’re hungry. Do you know what chilli does? It prevents predators from eating it by being stupid hot. You know what species is fucking crazy enough to think they could eat chilli and tame wolves? Humans.

Humans ate chilli, when it hurt, a lot. Probably because we thought it was it was funny. In the end humans developed a tollerance to it, and began adding it to our food.

At some stage, humans though it would be funny to steal wolve pups and had the idiotic preserveance to attempt to raise and breed them. OK, that might not be how it happened, but somehow, decendants of wovles have become our domestic companions.

What do dogs and chilli have in common? Actually, what do dogs and people have in common? we’re both mammals. What don’t we have in common? Dogs do what dogs do, and humans are fucking idiot crazy. We ate chilli when it was a stupid idea. Now we eat chilli.

Dogs cannot eat chilli.

Do not feed your dog chilli. It fucking hurts them.

But this is not about how dogs cannot eat chilli, it’s more about how dogs roll and how people need to understand it to better look after them so they don’t become complete shit-bag dogs.

You see, dogs have a pack mentality, and in their pack they have pack leaders. When you treat your dog like a Generation Y child, with praise and toys, and when they shit on your pillow you give them their dinner.

That is not how you look after your dog.

A common complaint of dog owners is that they are are ‘so nice’ to their dogs but their dogs are ‘so naughty’. It’s coz the dog thinks it is beter than you. Before we get into any existential discussion about how the dog is or isn’t better than you think about this. You can take your dog to a kind of shop and have it put down via overdose of barbiturates. You can’t do that to your child. You are therefore better than your dog.

But you bought a dog beacuse your dog makes you happy, that is, when it’s not shitting on your pillow. So how do you make your dog happy so that you are happy?

First off, you need to understand how dogs roll. Oh yeah, I already said that. Dogs roll in packs, they have a pack leader. So what does that mean? It means that what you say goes. You eat before they eat. They play when you say they can play. They sit when you tell them to sit. You sleep in a fancy bed when they sleep outside (or somewhere not in your bed).

It is unfortunate, that you can’t replace real kids with dogs, so really you have to treat your dog like he’s in a pack, you have to trick him, because he’s not as smart as you are. If he was then you’d be his pet. So you need to pretend you’re a dog when interacting with your dog.

Dogs who are pack leaders always eat first, they call the shots. This is why you shouldn’t feed your dog from the table. This is why your dog should be on their mat when you’re eating. This is also why when after you eat you should reinforce this by giving them some food after they have observed you eat.

This is why you should always tell them to do something before you give them a treat.

Dogs respond very well to a kind of discipline that is not common or welcomed among humans. If you have a problem with that, go have kids, or put up with your dog shitting on your pillow. Kid are humans, dogs are dogs. OK?

That’s how dogs roll.